The Next Big Steep

For most of my life I have been focused on one thing my career, I focused on it so much that nothing else mattered, my health, my relationships, my mental well being nothing.    Then about 4 years ago it all changed when I was hospitalized with lymphedema and cellulitis in my legs.   I can remember the day like it was yesterday.    I was sitting in a hospital bed, looking up at the ceiling and I saw dead flies in the light fixtures.   That was when my life changed.   I started with my health, because if I knew that if I didn’t get that my physical health under control nothing else matter.   Once I had that started, I started to work on my mental health as well, because it directly affected my ability to focus on my physical health.   Though were some dark times in my life.

Second big changing point in my life was choosing to move to Atlanta, I had purchased a house in Detroit, before the housing bubble happened, and I had done almost everything right.   I didn’t get a crazy loan I couldn’t afford, I didn’t buy a house that was out of my price range, but I did buy it at the wrong time.   When I was time for me to sell it so I could move to Atlanta, my house was worth 1/10th of what I had paid for it just 3 years prior.   After talking to several finical advisers, I decided to return the house to the bank and file for bankruptcy.  That was another one of though dark days, but looking back on that decisions I know it was the right one, and I would not be the person I am today if i had made a different choose.

When I moved to Atlanta, I reinvented myself, I joined a running group, and it lead to me doing my first spartan race.  I worked on going out and putting my self in social setting like joining meetup groups and going to Dragon*Con. Since coming home from Vermont, I have felt like my health is now under control, while I have to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t fall the rails it has not been my primary focus.  I have also worked allot on my fears of being in crowds in public places.   So what has been my primary focus?   That is a good question.

Well remember how I said that everything took a back seat to my job,  that included my personal happiness.    Do you have any idea how bad it sucks when asks you what make you happy, and you don’t have an answer, not because you don’t want to share it, but because you really have no clue.   This has so many side affects, like how to do get into a relationship with someone if you don’t know what make you happy.   I have tried a couple times, most of the times, It turns out that I have feeling for someone but they and they didn’t having the same feeling back for me.   This sucks, but as I’m starting to learn this is the way that it works.   About a month ago, I tried again, and while things started out great, I thought we both had the same feeling for each other, but it looks like I screwed it up.   I don’t know whether I pushed to hard to fast, or if I was just looking for something in the wrong place, I don’t know.  Am I jumping to conclusions I don’t really know as I relies that I am entering the dark days of the next step in my life.    But I do take some reassurance because I know a year or two from not I will look back on these days as days that changed my life for ever.  If there is anything I have learned things will work out they way they are meant too.

So what make me truly happy?   After months of searching, and trying new experiences, I still don’t know, for sure, but after the small gimps of happiness I have recently experienced, I have a feeling it is going to be sharing my life with someone, and having them share there life with me.   I know this is not going to be an easy process, and I know I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but in the end the rewards are worth so much more than the risk.